I light candles so it’s not completely dark,

I let the blinds open slightly so just enough luminescence from the street lights can creep in

This way I don’t feel completely alone

Why do I feel so much regret tonight?  I’m the only person I let down this time. I broke a year streak of being sober from alcohol.

I can take handfuls of xanax and klonapin. I can smoke weed until I’m so high I can barely get up. I can munch on mushrooms all day. Chainsmoke a pack of cigarettes. 

But alcohol? No. I just can’t. Not drinking is a big deal for me. Drinking is a big deal for me. But drugs, nah, theyre somehow a part of me.

Why do I feel so guilty for breaking a streak when I was the only one counting the time? I don’t understand. But I’m so distraught.