another poem

Cigarette butts on the sidewalk
I’m alone but it’s not so bad
I feel like I can’t talk
I’m not so bad but fuck I’m sad

I fill my head with the lyrics
Of artists I can relate
It’s fate
I’m this way today because my pain gave me life and then took it away

I scared off who I loved
Because I never thought they’d leave
But they did and I’m alone
But it’s not so bad
I’m finding me

I’m smoking cigarettes smoking weed
Picking up extra shifts to pay my debt
When you close yourself off there’s no one to disappoint
But I’d like to appoint some help

A signal a sign
That this is wrong but it’s where I am
This is wrong but I’m following how I feel
And feeling is a better compass than thinking when you get this low so low so low

So I go
I go to sleep at 4am
I watch indie movies because they’re different
I forget about my phone because I have no one to talk to
But I don’t need to

I need myself because all I got’s me in the end
And I want to let someone in
But they’ll probably leave all over again

So I’ll save my money
Get an apartment in that city
Make my best of my time in this wasteland that I seem to be stuck in

But I’m using this place to get me where I need to be
And to find who I want to be

And being someone isnt hard when you just do the things that bring you your light
And half the time my light is a lighter
And a substance going to my head
But it’s better than wishing I’m dead

I’ve done that, I took the pills
I’ve said I’m better off not here
Not on this planet being a waste of space a waste of a person and just someone who has fallen from grace

But thats not true
You don’t need a reason to exist
To be a part of this fucked world
You don’t need to do what everyone says

There’s more beauty in following what you want versus what will pay the bills

I was told I should get a degree and be a doctor so I can take care of a family
And I should be a teacher if I want to spend time with my kids because I’ll get the summer free

But that’s an ideal life for someone who’s not ideally me and I’m ideally not going to be
That way.

That’s why I’m here today
Not doing what’s right apparently
Throwing away my life apparently

But I’m not
I’m 19 I don’t need to think about me being 40 or about retirement and shit
I’ll figure it out when I’m there
And maybe that’s immature
I’m an “ignorant naive kid”
But I’m not going to live my life like that because society wants me to be like that

If I did a bad thing will the good things make it go away
How many goods to dissolve a bad
How many scars are on my arms? I’ve never counted but I see them every day
How many scars are on my heart?
Many but fuck it I’m trying

I put off this vibe
Causing people to think I don’t care
But I do
I just don’t care the way you want me to

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