Journal Entry 3

When I decide to let people in on some things such as how much of a complete mess my life is, one of the first things I hear is. “Oh, you’re 19, you’re so young. No one has it figured it out yet.” or “You’re pretty and smart, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

As if my looks and age have anything to do with this.

A year ago I was graduating high school, college bound for Concordia University in Portland, Oregon. Over the course of this year I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year and a half. I dropped out of college. I was hospitalized for an overdose. I was with a guy who I thought was “the one” for three months until he decided to leave me too. I’m in an insane amount of debt. My dad wants me in rehab and my mom doesn’t talk to me much. I don’t have any really close friends anymore.

I moved from Portland to Kansas, without even meaning to. I flew here to visit my brother with only a backpack and a suitcase. But days after I left I was broken up with in a phone call. I was living with my boyfriend so that means I don’t have a place to go home to. My car is in Oregon along with all the rest of my belongings and I’m stuck states away in a place I was only supposed to be visiting.

I’m trying. I really am. Now I’m working two jobs here, trying to save the money I need to fly back to Oregon and pack my car with my shit and drive it here. That’ll take $1,000 at least.

I keep thinking to myself, “How did I end up here?”

No home. No money. None of my stuff. College dropout. Two time suicide attempt survivor. No friends here. Nothing except crashing on my brother’s couch and two jobs I’m working to try to afford to be alive. I want to move back to Oregon or Colorado but I can’t afford my own place right now.

I realized that college isn’t something that I even want to do anymore. Right now I’m taking a gap year until I figure things out, or I might end up going to community college or cosmetology school. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.


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