journal entry 2 

I’m leaving the second semester of my Freshman year in college early. I got a full medical withdrawal. Basically I need to be off campus by Tuesday and none of my credits for this semester count. I’m unable to finish the semester because of my mental health and medical issues. 

Mental health is a bitch. Diagnosed with more than I can count on one hand. I have a drawer filled with empty pill bottles and then the four bottles of partially filled pills that I’m taking now. I’m seeing a psychiatrist who thinks I was misdiagnosed as a 14 or 15 year old. I should be in therapy but I can’t afford that. I can barely afford my meds and to see him every few weeks to a month. 

My family is in Colorado and I live in Portland. I wasn’t going to tell them about my medical withdrawal from college but I was required to. That didn’t go over well. I move in with my boyfriend and his roommates on Tuesday officially. 

Growing up in the Catholic church, which I’m against now and have been for years, my parents are disappointed that I’ll be living with my boyfriend before “marriage” which is bullshit. Sex before marriage is a sin to them too. Oops. 

After a tearful screaming phone conversation with my dad I was told we’d talk again this weekend and that “things are going to change”. I moved halfway across the country because of them. I’m 19 and they’re still trying to control my life. They’re acting like I dropped out but I’m already registered for Fall for my sophomore year. I lost both my jobs too. Which were on campus. So that’s great. 

At least I’ll be able to smoke as much weed as I want and not get caught. But finding a job is a priority now since.. well when you live in an apartment you have to pay rent. I have one paycheck left so I’m basically fucked and in job search mode. 

And I’m sitting on the counter of my grandparents bathroom at almost 7am typing this out. I didn’t sleep the entire night. But there’s a skylight in here and I can hear the rain pattering against the window even though the sun hasn’t come out yet.

Well the sun doesn’t really come out in Oregon. Fun fact. Oregon is the state with the highest suicide rate. Another fun fact. You’re legally allowed to kill yourself here. Depressing right?

I live in Portland and I love it but I’m struggling financially, mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

I can’t even afford weed right now. Gotta pay rent so I can move in. Fuck I wish I was high. I don’t see my boyfriend until tomorrow which seems like an eternity away. 

Him and I are the perfect fucked up mentally ill stoner couple. It sounds like a disaster but it’s pretty perfect. We help each other and we would both probably kill ourselves without each other’s support. But we’re in fucking love and nothing will change that. Rant over I guess. 

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