my light is a lighter

I’m alone but it’s not so bad,
I feel like I can’t talk,
It’s not so bad but fuck I’m sad,
I fill my head with the lyrics,
Of artists I can relate,
It’s fate,
I’m this way because my pain gave me life and then took it away,

I’m smoking cigarettes, smoking weed,
Picking up extra shifts to pay my debt,
When you close yourself off there’s no one to disappoint,
But I’d like to appoint some help,
A signal, a sign,
This is wrong but it’s where I am,
This is wrong but I’m following how I feel,
And feeling is a better compass than thinking when you get this low, so low,
So I go.

I go to sleep at 4am,
I watch indie movies because they’re different,
I need myself because all I got’s me in the end,
And I want to let someone in,
But they’ll probably leave all over again,

So I’ll save my money.
Get an apartment in that city.
Make the best of my time in this wasteland that I seem to be stuck in,
But I’m using this place to get me where I need to be,
And to find who I want to be,

And being someone’s not hard when you just do the things that bring your life light,
And half the time my light is a lighter,
And a substance going to my head,
But it’s better than wishing I’m dead,

I’ve done that.
I took the pills.
I’ve said I’m better off not here,
Not on this planet,
Being a waste of time,
A waste of space,
A waste of a person,
And just someone who has fallen from grace,

But that’s not true.
You don’t need a reason to exist,
To be a part of this fucked up world,
You don’t need to do what everyone says,
I was told I should get a degree,
And be a doctor so I can take care of a family,
And I should be a teacher if I want to spend time with my kids,
Because I’ll get the summer free,

But that’s an ideal life for someone who’s not ideally me,
And I’m ideally not going to be,
That way.

If I did a bad thing will the good things make it go away?

How many goods to dissolve a bad?

I put off this vibe,
Causing people to think I don’t care,
But I do.

I just don’t care the way you want me to.